my car
When I drive I don’t like to get too close to the backs of other cars. In times when I’m very anxious and spinning things around in my head my car enters free fall neutral each time I touch the brakes. Hitting the back of another car is vivid and real.
Over the bridge, I panic as I squeeze past a truck in the narrow lane. They edge close and closer to me and I helplessly bunch into the barrier. One day I’ll fly over the edge and the truck driver will wonder what happened.
To keep cool I wind down three out of the four windows since the passenger side has never worked. The wind throws my hair everywhere and burns on the end of my cigarettes. There is a fine film of ash down the driver side of my car. I am always too hot or too cold. Warm, damp air blasts through my air conditioning unit on a hot day.
To keep warm I blast the heaters but the car feels wet. In the rain I cannot see a thing out of the fogged windows. I still drive with the windows down to circulate air yet the rain pours in and so repeats the cycle. My windscreen wipers clear no rain anymore and my vision is blurred.
Rust is taking over my windscreen. Crumbs are taking over the back seat.
The speakers stopped working and my thoughts became deafeningly loud. After years of neglect, the dusty white mould inside my boot crept inside their computers and won the battle.
On hills I gently hold one foot on the accelerator and the other on the brake to stop the engine from cutting out. the delicate balance is hard to maintain in a lot of ways.
One day I will drive too fast or the wind will hit me in such a way that my bonnet flies up and smashes my windscreen. One day I will not look right or left or right or left enough times and a speeding car will smash into the side of me or into Riley’s side. One day enough oil will drip out on to my garage floor overnight and my engine will seize in the middle of the motorway. One day the oil will drip enough that we will spontaneously catch fire. One day my key will no longer unlock the passenger door and we will be locked out and stranded. One day my key will no longer unlock the boot and all the groceries will rot away forever with my last $120.
One day I will figure out the reason I was not enough to keep the people in my intimate relationships well and good. I hope one day I won’t wonder about these things anymore.
